Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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