I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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