I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
