sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Randomize
