The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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