if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
