Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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