he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
