You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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