Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
