ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
