toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
