He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
