so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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