Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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