Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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