What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Randomize
