Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
