You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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