He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
