Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
