I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
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