So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
