I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
