Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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