He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
