Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This is the high leading the old right now
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
