Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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