If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
