my room smells like sperm. sweet.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
