Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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