Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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