Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
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