ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
dude i'm inner monologue high
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
