last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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