There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
