Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
