How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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