mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
jump out the window naked night went bad
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
