How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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