Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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