well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Randomize
