It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
