So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
