I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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