WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
Just whatever you do, don't neglect the balls.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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