; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
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