3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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