I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
