Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
