We named our party play list daddy issues
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Did I show you my penis last night?
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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